Jacko’s 2020 Horoscopes for Dartmouth Students

Aries:

Mars, your guiding planet, will be ascending throughout the beginning of the year. Use this time to separate your real friendships from your fake ones. Via text, ask every person you know in your 112-person 10A to please bring you a KAF iced dirty chai latte, wait until you can assemble dozens of drinks around you, and then promptly pour every one of them on the floor. Real friends will understand it as a test and give you a napkin!

Taurus: 

Ever since Uranus entered your astronomical realm in 2018, your life has been a meme. This year, everything will change. Instead of feeling like God is playing a joke on you, the incoming collision of the double stratified moons will begin a new era in which God openly and maliciously taunts you.

Gemini:

Your dual energies brought about by your twin star sign may have made you two-faced, but Venus’s romantic presence in your sign this Sophomore Summer will change everything. Some redeemable idiot is going to fall in love with one of your personalities, and all you need to do is keep your crazy under wraps for ten weeks! In Fall, reveal your true self and make his life miserable for at least six more months of fun before he dumps you in 2021. Thank the love goddess!

Cancer:

The lunar eclipse this year will quadruple your already potent moon magic, which means that in that 17-minute period you can steal those two nice red and white chairs by the fireplace of Sherman Art Library that no one has ever sat in without any legal ramifications.

Leo:

2020 is the year of the fire signs, which came just in time now that we know vaping is bad for you. Just go ahead and light up a cig. What’s it gonna do? Kill you differently than your Juul?

Virgo:

Ah, the sign of the maiden. You can have as much sex as you want, but everyone who meets you will get big virgin energy from you.

Libra:

The stellar interference of Saturn in your triple helix axis will disrupt your vibe flow this spring, so never let your guard down! We recommend maximizing your vigilant energy by eating all your meals standing up and walking around the serving area of FOCO. Make sure not to break eye contact with the DDS employees.

Scorpio:

You will not make it through the year.

Sagittarius:

You are going to start gaining weight from those two chicken tenders you get from Collis every single late night (including off nights). It will start slowly — so slowly you won’t notice it for a long time. In two decades, you will look like your mother.

Capricorn:

This January, Saturn, Pluto, Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, millions of stars, thousands of black holes, and the body of that Russian dog in space will converge upon your sign, creating an explosion of mythic energy. Unfortunately, these competing powers will entirely cancel each other out and nothing will happen. 2020 is the year that Astrology will not apply to you!

Aquarius:

This year, your water sign will peak in fall, and the flow of water through you will lead to a constant urge to pee — a desire your bladder will barely be able to accommodate. Dick’s House will call it a “UTI,” but the only medicine that will fix it will be the blue moon over Capricorn this winter.

Pisces:

Do NOT attend WGSS 10 on Friday, September 25th.

– IC ’22