Family of Bob Marley Petitions Courtyard Café To “Stop The Horror”

In a shocking revelation, it has come to light that for years the Courtyard’s Café’s most popular breakfast item, the “Bob Marley,” has, in fact, been made from the meat of the eponymous late reggae singer. In a public appeal, the family of Bob Marley has pleaded Dartmouth Dining Services to “stop the horror and let Bob go.”

While trying to discover how Bob’s flesh has stood the test of time as well as his musical catalog has, reporters were mortified to learn that in collaboration with Dartmouth’s Department of Biology, DDS has been cloning the so-called “Marley-Meat” in an Impossible Burger-esque fashion ever since a sample of the legend’s DNA was acquired using Dartmouth’s endowment.

In hindsight, the scandal should have been uncovered sooner. More than one student has described the meaty breakfast item as “pure reggae magic” in their mouth. One student even claimed it was “like chewing on the literal flesh of Bob Marley. Like, tasting his blood, his smooth skin, everything…” while sweating nervously. Clearly, this student knew something nobody else did at the time. It took our reporters some time to connect the dots.

Our team’s investigative unit was given a glimpse into the Courtyard Café’s secret MarLab, below its kitchen in a subterranean lair. A DDS employee (who wishes to remain anonymous) explained how campus dining officials pushed Dartmouth to make the Marley DNA acquisition, citing it as “an unprecedented investment opportunity with scrumptious possibilities” – truly perverse. As reporters entered the chamber, a foul stench greeted them. Even fouler was the sight of dozens of cloned Bob Marleys impaled on kebab skewers, top-through-to-bottom, rotating slowly in a synchronized, sweltering, shawarma-esque hellscape, squealing for help in a pained three-part harmony.

It is tragic to see the Marley name sullied to this extent. To this end, a group of concerned humanitarians on campus has officially launched the Digest Dartmouth campaign, calling upon the student population to boycott the “Bob Marley” sandwich and render it unprofitable. The group hopes to end the college’s exploitation of one man’s delicious musical and creative legacy.

– DU ’23