I Am Glad the Polar Bear Swim Was Cancelled, Because It Has Nothing to Do With Polar Bears (By a Polar Bear)

Greetings, Dartmouth! Not long ago, while relaxing at my home in the Arctic Circle, I received word that each winter, your school hosts a “polar bear swim” in your local pond. Last year I just had to see it for myself. I was very interested in this polar bear swim because I am a polar bear.

While I did not know what to expect initially, I was confused and somewhat shocked by the events that transpired at your supposed “polar bear swim.” First of all, calling a distressed paddle across 10 yards of grimy pond a “swim” is hurtful. A true polar bear swim might consist of graceful, continuous propulsion in frigid waters via front paws at over 6 miles per hour for hours at a time. This is done without a leash or the watchful gaze of half a dozen trained rescuers. As a polar bear, I do not need this support.

Now, I can understand that you humans lack the inches of insulating fat that keep me warm at -29ºF, as well as nostrils that close underwater and other adaptations that allow me to swim for long distances at cold temperatures. But I looked hard and still could not find a single aspect of your “polar bear swim” that relates to polar bears, swimming, or polar bears swimming. Whereas you refuel after your swim with hot chocolate, I might eat a seal. I am acclimated to the cold, but you rely on heavy jackets and a so-called “warming bus.” While I swim in the vast ocean, you jump into a disgusting pond.

If you simply must invoke animals that live in the Arctic Circle, why polar bears? How about the Arctic Fox Freestyle? The Zooplankton Zip? The Spotted Seal Splash? Why me, a majestic polar bear?

In pondering this absurdity I came to the conclusion that there is no other species for whom this event would be relevant other than your own. What other creature would jump into cold waters just to experience that sweet rush of adrenaline that comes from escaping death? I am not mad, but simply disappointed that you would invoke my species, the honorable polar bear, in such an ill-conceived event. I am glad that it will not run this year.

– SA ’20