OP-ED: I’m Voting for Bernie Sanders Because It Hurts When I Pee

I’ve been “Feeling the Bern” ever since Bernie Sanders himself gave me what doctors call “aggressive gonorrhea” and my health insurance calls “not our problem.” Bernie may have a problem with big corporations buying the government, but he had no problem buying students’ votes when he came to speak at Dartmouth late last year. After holing up in Rocky 208 — a classroom known colloquially among Government majors as “The Swamp,” Bernie slept with horny Dartmouth Democrats up until he had a heart attack. Even then, Bernie hit the road again the next day to keep slanging that meat in his pants.

Unfortunately for political junkies like myself, Senator Sanders managed to give over three dozen students not only the time of their lives, but also a raging new strain of gonorrhea. Despite his strong position on reversing climate change, “The Swamp” got hot and heavy. During his brief visit to Dartmouth, Bernie brought a whole new meaning to the moniker “Head of State.” And while Bernie may be busy thinking about which Democrat would make the best moderate V.P., my mind is much more focused on the far-from-moderate VD that now has me cursing and sweating profusely over the toilet in the Novack bathroom.

Even though taking a leak now makes me howl in pain, I think I’ll probably end up voting for Bernie, but only because my current health insurance won’t cover this treatment, and only Bernie’s plan will get me medicine at a price I can afford. Who knew the best way to get voters on board with “Medicare for All” was to drive up demand for STD antibiotics? Well played, Bernie. Well played.

-JK ’23