OP-ED: My Problem with Pete Buttigieg’s Husband

As an active voter getting ready for the New Hampshire primary, I’m almost ready to throw my support behind Pete Buttigieg. Still, I must admit that I have one remaining reservation about voting for this young man: plain and simple, I don’t like that Mayor Pete has a husband. I think that it is a slap in the face to voters with true American views and values like mine. And why is that? It’s because I should have the freedom to fuck Pete Buttigieg myself.

I want a good old fashioned roll in the hay with the sexy hunk of Indiana man-meat that is Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg. The man is the perfect package – or rather, the man has a perfect package, one that I want to see tastefully bulging out of his suit as he’s sworn in as our 46th president. Look, if we’re going to have a gay president, I want it to be one I can fantasize about (South) bending over the Resolute desk in the Oval Office without violating a beautiful marriage.

My other main issue with Pete is that, in reality, I am fully in love with his husband Chasten. I want nothing more than to own a Vermont bed and breakfast with that cutie-pie. I want to die in Chasten Buttigieg’s arms, and I spend every day in pain knowing that Pete has already scooped him up – that selfish, sexy son of a bitch.

Bottom line: I think that Pete is young, energetic, intelligent, and exactly the kind of sex symbol the White House needs right now. But if Mayor Pete wants my vote for president, he needs to get divorced.

– JK ‘23