OP-ED: My Lone Desire is to Lick the Road Salt

Now that the gusty winds and icy weather of winter have settled into the Upper Valley, the snow scrapers of Hanover have arisen en masse. Now, salt gently coats the sidewalk with each new snowfall. As we come upon the beginning of March, I am reminded of my one true goal this winter: I would like to lick the salt.

When I was younger, I used to worry about what people would think of this ambition — that it was too dangerous, or too crazy. That it couldn’t be done. But now I know that this is not true, and I am no longer afraid. I have known ever since I was a young child that it would be my goal — no, my destiny — to lick the salt. I am here to step up to the challenge that God himself has placed before me. I would like to lick the salt.

I believe that God personally made me incarnate and willed me to be baptized in one of the many trash cans full of salt that lines our campus here in Hanover. I want to be the messiah of my people. Once the salty goodness reaches my tongue, I will feel the ecstasy of the salt rush over my body and pulse through my veins. Then I will fight God, and then I will become God. I will ascend over the cretins that foolishly laughed at me, and I will smite them. I will be remembered for eons. They will name babies after me, and erect statues in my honor. Yet, in order to do any of this, I must do one thing: I must lick the salt.

The ice has not yet graced this earth with its full bounty, and therefore, there still is more time for new salt to be spread across our hallowed grounds. There is still more salt in storage, ready to coat our roads and sidewalks. For now, I will rest. I will wait. It may already be late in the winter, but it is still not the right time. Not yet. Nevertheless, make no mistake: eventually, I will lick the salt.

– JT ’23