Dartmouth Econ Professor Resigns After Realizing “Deadweight Loss” is “Real People” with “Real Families”

After twenty years of dedicated teaching at Dartmouth, Senior Professor in Economics Jonathan Millibrook announced his resignation yesterday, citing years of research which led him to conclude that the graphs and tables he was studying didn’t merely have real-world implications, but, in fact, represented actual human beings as well as their jobs and families.

Millibrook, who specializes in corporate efficiency modeling and subprime mortgage loans, previously described his side work as a consultant as “a really interesting and productive way to apply [his] skills,” Nevertheless, the professor had a change of heart after seeing a number of small plants poking through the snow outside the Rockefeller Center. On a whim, I started counting the plants” recounted Millibrook. “Then I realized that just as the numbers in my mind represented living plants, the numbers in my data represented living people. Living people who lost real jobs and went into real debt because of me…” He trailed off.

Jahlil Baker ’23 expressed his disappointment in the new development. “Through his actions, Professor Millibrook literally made history and defined the course of the last decade. I wish we could still learn from this economic giant.”

“Millibrook did a lot of good work,” noted his colleague professor Susan Albertson. “His knowledge and expertise helped catapult Amazon into prominence, and his later consulting work saved both Boeing and Ford tens of millions in payroll costs as they cut a combined total of 65,000 unnecessary positions.”

 “I wish they wouldn’t talk about that,” said a teary-eyed Millibrook.

At press time, Professor Millibrook was running after a group of men in work boots, shouting incoherent apologies.

– EL ’23