After astonishing reports released earlier this year revealed that Snackpass — the food delivery platform which has recently taken Hanover by storm — is now worth more than $23 million, few were surprised to hear that the takeout mogul is expanding its scope to accommodate other basic needs. Rather than focusing on water, shelter, or clothing, Snackpass has opted to assist in the provision of the fifth and most overlooked prerequisite to human survival: being routinely smacked upside the head with a limbless, gilled sea creature.
Named “Smackbass,” this new app will allow you to order yourself a blow to the head, trunk, or buttocks with a 1- to 2-pound stout-bodied fish or marine creature. Smackbass aims to make the act of receiving a mortal hit to the flesh a more social endeavor, meaning that as you fulfill your human need to be bodied by a flavorful flounder, you also gain points. You can redeem points at any time to send a similar slimy strike to a fellow fish fanatic.
Much like its parent app, Smackbass targets college students, who have been shown to prioritize the convenience of takeout services. Within the app, discounts on services from local fish shops rotate weekly, and you can create your own custom invite code to unlock free smacks.
Current Snackpass fanatic Phineas McGill ’20 expressed enthusiasm about the new app. “I use Snackpass to order food from local businesses almost every day, and I can’t wait to order my corpulent whacks from bulbous bodied baby basses in a similar manner.”
The solid wallop of flaky light pink flesh is fundamental to everyday life, and it all becomes possible with the highly anticipated upcoming debut of Smackbass. Stop by the Smackbass table in Novack any time in the next two weeks to receive a free preview of these essential services.
– AD ’20
Be the first to comment on "Snackpass Unveils New Sister App, Smackbass"