In Spite of Transition to Online Platforms, Professor Reassures Students Class Will Remain Laptop Free

During his first day of class yesterday, English professor Walter Michaelson reassured his students that his class will remain a laptop free zone. “We are living in unprecedented and turbulent times,” began Professor Michaelson, “and amidst all the change I would like my student’s to know that they can still rely on a good old, face to face, machine-less learning environment, despite the shift to remote learning.”

According to Michaelson, his decision was purely scientific. “Studies have shown students learn more when they take notes by hand as opposed to typing them.”  On top of that, Michaelson added, students might use their laptops to check their emails or do other work and would therefore be a distraction to the student and everyone around them.

Students have had mixed reactions to the laptop policy. “I’m a bit bummed about it since I just bought a new laptop for virtual classes,” said Jenna Lilly ’22, “however, it makes me happy to know that even in these trying times the professors have our best interest at heart.” Ryan Tang ‘23 also had a positive outlook on it, saying that he anticipates it will really help him improve his study habits and ultimately challenge him to be a better student. James Yung ’20 felt differently about the rule. “I have absolutely no clue how any of this is going to work,” exclaimed James, “Am I missing something? I feel like I must be missing something.”

At the time of announcing the policy, many severely confused students left the call thinking it was the professor had meant. Professor Michaelson, however, felt that these students were merely throwing a fit. “They just don’t know how to live without technology anymore,” sighed Michaelson, “Shame. It really is a shame.”

At press time, Professor Michaelson has made it clear he also intends to administer a two hour in-class final, simultaneously urging students to stay home.

-JG ’20