Fuck the Class of 2020

Yesterday, Dartmouth President Phil Hanlon announced that the Commencement exercises of the Class of 2020 will be postponed to next June because of concerns related to COVID-19. Though this news is unsurprising, it is particularly disappointing to 20s, who have already lost their Senior Spring and the opportunity to say goodbye to their organizations, spaces, and friends. It is no surprise that the Dartmouth community feels overwhelming sympathy for the senior class, but I personally do not feel bad. Every member of the Class of 2020 is a human dumpster fire who does not deserve the dignity of recognition.

Graduation is a time for reflection. I hope that the 20s will spend this June sitting alone in their houses reflecting on how literal mobs of them touched the bonfire in 16F in a display so idiotic that the college nearly ended the Homecoming tradition entirely, ensuring that no other classes could even attempt touching the fire. Assholes.

Senior week is a time for a last hurrah of partying. Fittingly, however, the class that was in charge of the Highlighter that killed Heoret, the 19F TDXmas fire evacuation, and the world’s driest Beach Party will have as much fun this June as we did with them all year: none. I hope you enjoyed hosting the worst parties this school has seen since that guy got shot at TDX during prohibition, you incompetent fucking losers.

The ceremony of commencement recognizes the academic and extracurricular achievement of graduating students. The 20s should have to wait longer for that respect. As a class they were by far the ugliest, most irrelevant, and least impressive group that the Admissions Office has let into this institution since Dartmouth’s last class of all men.

Honestly, 20s, I want to feel bad for you. I really do. But you leeches sucked so hard for so long at this school that I am upset you are getting a graduation ceremony at all next year. I’m insulted that you all will still be getting degrees. You are shitstains on the value of the Dartmouth brand.

Next June, when I see a 20 prance back onto campus as if they are still a college student and not a goddamn adult, I will take them down harder than the job market.