An email sent out by College officials earlier this week was baffled by the existence of entitled, self-centered fraternity members putting community members at risk, reading: “So as it turns out, quite a few fratty Dartmouth students are selfish and endanger people outside of their in-group? What!?”
Our team reached out to one public health official who has been treating COVID-19 patients, Dr. Kevin Stephanopolous, who was bewildered: “How could Dartmouth frat members be so cavalier about their health? Where are the early-sleeping, healthy-eating gentlemen and ladies of the College who take their physical wellbeing as importantly as they do their academics? This series of events has me absolutely dumbfounded I say!”
Derrek Stussy ’20, a fraternity member who came back to campus for spring, was disgusted by the behavior outlined in the email: “It is not representative of my community. My brothers would never, ever throw a party in violation of health codes, state laws, or college policies. I personally have never observed a health hazard in my house, and when me and my brothers walk to Collis after a night out, for example, we are never belligerent to any College employees, as the email mentioned. It boggles my mind that this could happen at dear old Dartmouth.”
Said Dean Doris Bowen when reached for comment: “It is difficult to believe that the Dartmouth fraternity members we know and love could look the other way when people in their community are physically endangered, just because they want to be socially accepted. How on earth? I also simply cannot believe they would just ignore the administration’s’ pleas to be better. Are these the same people who have for so long fostered such mindful and respectful social spaces at Dartmouth? How can this be!?”
At press-time, our investigative team has received advance copy of a college email bewildered by the sky being blue.
-OK ’21
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