Joan of Arc Redefined France’s Geographical History, But Would it Kill Her to Smile More?

Local man Terry Zhou, following a raging Wikipedia-page bender, has recently reached the conclusion that although 19-year-old Joan of Arc single-handedly redefined France’s geopolitical landscape, she really could have smiled more.

“I mean, sure, Joan led the charge in lifting the siege on Orleans, and in doing so turned the tides of what would have been an otherwise unwinnable battle,” said Zhou, a lecherous leer on his face, “but do you know what I think will brighten up that pretty little thing’s battle-worn face mired with the blood of her enemies? A smile.”

Zhou continued on, folding his arms behind his head and leaning back into his chair, “Yeah, ending the Hundred Years’ War is great and all, and instating Charles the Dauphin as the true king of France is admittedly pretty impressive,” said Zhou, “but have you seen those old portraits of her? My God did she have a resting bitch face.”

At that moment, Zhou’s friend, Jabari Wiggins, shushed his previously quiet sister who attempted to respond, and chimed in himself: “Okay, fine. Rallying the then-demoralized peasantry is no easy feat, and attacking the English at the South Bank does demonstrate a very keen sense of tactical awareness, but I heard she was a virgin. Probably because she hadn’t met the right man yet. Huh. What would she be doing if I was there? I heard the French like to go au naturale.”

Wiggins then flirtily winked at the sky, presumably aiming his advances to St. Joan’s canonical place in Heaven, as per the Catholic Church.

 

-NS ’23