Fuck the Class of 2022

This afternoon, Dartmouth College announced that it is cancelling in person classes during the summer of 2020 due to concerns related to the COVID-19 pandemic and the difficulty of social distancing on campus. Though this announcement is unsurprising due to projections of upcoming waves of infections, it is remarkably disappointing to the members of the class of 2022, who will miss the landmark Dartmouth experience of Sophomore Summer. I, however, am extremely satisfied with this decision. Every member of the class of 2022 is a worthless piece of shit who can honestly fuck off for all I care.

Summer is the only time of year that our godforsaken campus is habitable for human beings. Remember those last three weeks of 19S when the climate didn’t trigger your seasonal depression? That is what all of summer in Hanover is like. Hiking in the woods with nothing but a water bottle, swimming in the river, studying lazy afternoons away on the green: all things you do not deserve.

Sophomore summer is the peak of the Dartmouth social experience. You wanted to play at masters? Have fun trying to teach your parents pong. You thought you were going to get invited to KDE 4th of July? You wouldn’t have anyway, but I hope you enjoy watching fireworks on your TV. You thought you were going to finally find romance when the X intersected? You’re still ugly, but now you definitely won’t. You thought you were finally going to get to be in your greek house without getting hazed? Nice try. When we are all back on campus, I hope the 24s haze you, you pieces of shit.

At the end of each summer, the new junior class emerges united. Therefore, I would like to thank fucking God that the 22s will not have the opportunity to band together and make eachother even worse. Every member of the class of 2022 is either a snake, annoying as fuck, or thoroughly boring. I don’t want to see pictures of a bunch of bland, interchangeable boys grilling in front of their bland, interchangeable frat, talking about how much they love each other. I hope you hate each other as much as every other Dartmouth class hates you.

I have long awaited the day that the Provost would crush your stupid, unrealistic dreams. You massive idiots, despite all the evidence to the contrary, held out hope that you would get this one thing. I hope that you go to the grave knowing that you will be the only Dartmouth class in recent memory not to have a sophomore summer, and I hope you know, deep down, that it is what you deserve.

And for the love of God, if you think that going on 21X will make things better, you obviously have not yet met the worthless class of 2023. Fuck those guys.