“Everything’s Going Great Here!” Says Undergraduate Dean After Fiftieth Student Disappears This Week

Dartmouth has instituted a long list of COVID-19 regulations this term, including harsh penalties for those who break these guidelines. While official college statements have emphasized a “strong community” and “facing this struggle together,” our reporting indicates a number of new clandestine strategies have been implemented by SNS to achieve student compliance, and as many as 50 students have disappeared this week alone.

According to our sources, numerous students have had their doors broken down late at night for “noise disturbances” or “random security checks.” When asked whether these actions were a violation of student privacy rights, Dean Roberta Campbell responded, “Everything we do, we do for the safety and security of our students here on campus. We have been so pleased that all the students have been so willing to cooperate with these new regulations.” The Dean then offered our reporters Foco cookies with a wide, rigid grin.

A ’24, who asked to remain anonymous, reported seeing two SNS officers force a black canvas bag over the head of a maskless student before throwing them in the back of a car and speeding away. When asked for comment, SNS spokesperson Camila Stewart stated, “Two Safety and Security officers observed a member of the Dartmouth community walking without a face covering on both their nose and mouth. Our officers performed a community intervention and provided a face covering before transporting the student to our offices for a brief COVID-19 Best Practices Education Program. Remember, we are here for your own protection!”

Sarah Chen, a resident of North Park House, stated that SNS sweeps have started to become a little bothersome. “Yeah, the constant thumping of rotor blades at two in the morning over BEMA has gotten old, and going to take a shower and being stopped by three men at an SNS checkpoint to prove I live there — while I’m in nothing but a towel and a mask — is pretty uncomfortable.” When asked about SNS practices within dorms, Undergraduate Dean James Connellie commented that “for security reasons, we cannot disclose current practices, but students should take comfort in Dartmouth’s long tradition of respecting student privacy and autonomy. Now, how about you take this sticker for your Nalgene, and don’t worry about this ‘disappearances’ nonsense any more.”

Editor’s Note: Absolutely nothing has occurred in Gile Hall recently and no students should attempt to investigate further. At press time, the two writers of this article, along with Chen, had not been seen on campus for three days and were listed in the Dartmouth Directory as “on foreign study.”

 

-JS ’24, CB ’24