Low On Cash, GOP Urges Supporters To Make Human Sacrifices

After beginning the year with more than $1 billion on hand, President Trump’s campaign now follows other Republican candidates in being financially underwater. With less than 30 days until the election, GOP campaigners have begun asking supporters to sacrifice themselves and loved ones to win the favor of a mysterious and vengeful god.

“We think we have a really good strategy going forward,” said Bill Stepien, Trump’s campaign manager, in an interview with Fox last week. “We still have to test the waters with this God of Vengeance, but he seems willing to answer our prayers for a small price.” He then reminded the audience that blood is the same color as their “Make America Great Again” hats, and thus they would not have to worry about staining them if they murdered their neighbor for the GOP God (colloquially called “Reagajackson,” as Stepien confirmed after the interview). “It’s really the least you can do. All the issues we care about—tax cuts, the Wall, the pro-life movement—it will all vanish unless we reelect our president by ritually sacrificing our coworkers and dog walkers on the altar of Regajackson.”

Other financially strained GOP candidates have encouraged their constituents to make sacrifices to Reagajackson too. Senator Martha McSally—the Republican from Arizona, currently behind in polls against challenger Mark Kelly—ran an ad recently instructing voters to “save the heart and brains for the Trump 2020 campaign but at least keep the intestines for McSally. We’ll meet your donation with a 500% match.” This ad comes a month after McSally recommended that voters “fast a meal” and donate the saved change to her campaign.

“We’ve got to play hard ball,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, emerging from Capitol Hill Monday wiping blood off from his forehead. “Reagajackson thirsts for blood, and he craves more.” Shortly after his remarks, McConnell’s eyes turned a fiery red with the heat of 1,000 suns before convulsing on the ground screaming “FAMILY VALUES” and “KEEP AMERICA AGAIN MAKE.” Our reporter could not make out the rest, as she was blinded and deafened by what we think was Reagajackson Himself.

According to insiders in the Trump campaign, the 215,000 American lives lost from the COVID-19 pandemic will be recounted and renamed as “Worthy Sacrifices for Our Lord.”

-DK ’24