In Historic First, Senate Confirms Flamin’ Hot Mama To Supreme Court

It’s less than a week before the presidential election, and the Republican-held Senate has confirmed smokin’ hot shawty Amy Coney-Barrett in a tight 52-48 vote.

Liberal judicial scholars view Barrett’s nomination as a complete defiance of Senate norms. “Traditionally, the Senate replaces former Supreme Court justices with nominees who are both their ideological and aesthetic equals,” said Harvard Prof. Alna Grant. “Not only is Barrett ideologically opposite Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but she also differs from her predecessor in that she is a spankin’ hot milf.”

Conservative judicial scholar Eric Rachetti disagreed on the magnitude of the shift. “The media forgets that many freshman justices are quite fuckable when they’re first nominated. It’s not uncommon for justices to shift downwards aesthetically in their time on the court.”

Political scientists predict hotness shift in Court

Some Republican senators — like South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham — faced strong criticism over their perceived hypocrisy in voting to confirm Barrett while denying silver fox Merrick Garland a vote.

Graham issued a response to these criticisms. “Look, Merrick Garland’s nomination was entirely different. He cleaned up okay, maybe a 6 on a good day, but Barrett is a certifiable sex kitten,” stated Sen. Graham as he stared lustily into space.

In a press conference, Joe Biden expressed his disapproval, stating, “Here’s the deal, the people should have had a choice about who our country’s next justice is, and they know I would’ve appointed a real fireman-calendar beefcake packing a monster shlong.”

We asked Judicial scholar Martin Yarvik to comment on Justice Barrett’s qualifications. “Barrett is exactly the kind of justice our founding fathers intended to serve on the court — a strong originalist with a rockin’ hot bod.”

-AK ’23, JT ’23