Dartmouth Administration Officially Names Class of 2024 “Favorite Child”

Earlier today, the Dartmouth Administration announced that for the upcoming winter term, members of the class of 2024 have the opportunity to be approved for on-campus residency. At this time, the administration also formally declared the class of 2024 as the “favorite child.”

Since the COVID-19 outbreak, inter-class year tensions have been running high. A major point of this conflict was the decision to give spring term priority to the ’24s rather than to the ’23s, who are yet to experience a Dartmouth Spring. The administration commented on this decision, stating, “Be nicer to your younger sibling, they didn’t get to go to prom.”

We reached out to the Dean of Students to discuss the downstream implications of this decision and others that exhibit favoritism towards the 24s. She responded by describing how “important it is in the development of the class of 2024 to nurture growth through positive reinforcement.” When asked to comment on the fate of other Dartmouth classes, she curtly retorted, “Did they give us, the Administration, anything on Mother’s Day? No. Not even a call home to say ‘How are you Mother Administration, I’m thankful for everything you’ve sacrificed for me.’ Ungrateful brats.”

At press time, the classes of 2021, 2022, and 2023 are grounded.

 

-OG ’22