What A Moron: President Hanlon Commends Students For Acting Responsibly During Pandemic

Philip J. Hanlon ‘77, president of Dartmouth College and apparent doofus, commended students on Sunday for acting in good faith to protect the Upper Valley community from the COVID-19 pandemic. In a campus-wide email, Hanlon recognized the “effort and resolve” students have shown to stay safe, but he somehow failed to mention that he has been living under a rock.

For more insight, reporters got in touch with Lee Dunwell, head of Dartmouth’s COVID-19 task force, for his impressions of the fall. “We’ve been so impressed with how closely students, and especially off-campus students, have been observing the reduced gathering size rules,” said Dunwell, who must’ve been high or some shit.

Students who read the email were rightfully incredulous. “Um, has he not noticed that I went to a halloween party, a birthday party, and two Christmas parties in the past week?” asked Sydney Brawny ‘21. “It’s a joke. He must be joking… because I’ve put many, many people at risk.”

The Office of Greek Life also released a statement reflecting on the past term. “We are so thankful to our fraternities, sororities, and societies,” reads the statement. “Rather than give into their basic impulses, these organizations have abstained from parties, in-person rush events, and all other sorts of unsafe behavior.”

“BWAHAHA CAN YOU IMAGINE,” responded everyone in their right mind.

For a more sobering take on student conduct during the pandemic, reporters spoke to the Hanover town manager, who declared that students are “beautiful, selfless creatures who deserve our full support.”

-GA ’21