Every US President, Ranked by Date of Inauguration

  1.    George Washington

George Washington is definitely one of America’s greatest presidents, and more importantly for our purposes, he is also the first one. That’s why we decided to give him #1 on our list.

2.    John Adams

While John Adams is the first John Adams when you rank by inauguration, he is just the second if you look at all the presidents not named John Adams. That puts him at 2 for us.

3.  Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson is in hot water these days, as keeping slaves has become less politically correct in today’s climate, but some say his role in crafting the Declaration of Independence is too important to condemn the man as a whole. In any case, we did not take either of those schools of thought into account when putting him at #3.

4.    James Madison

James Madison might be on the 1 dollar coin, but he is on the 4 number of this list. Sorry, James. That is not the criterion we are evaluating here.

5.   James Monroe

President Monroe may have enacted the Monroe Doctrine but he still gets 5 from us, neither lower, nor higher. Now if we were evaluating “which president enacted a policy of opposition to European conquest in the Americas, thereby cementing America’s role as a growing hegemonic power in its hemisphere and laying the groundwork both for the Mexican expansion and Roosevelt’s conquest a century later,” we might have given him 1. But we aren’t.

6.  John Quincy Adams

Though he might want to be put consecutive to his daddy, we’re putting little Quincy at 6th. Our ranking system has to be consistent, no matter who gets mad at us. Sorry little guy, sorry baby boy sorrryyyy.

7.  Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson gets in at number 7.

8. Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren’s inauguration was on March 4th, 1837. Given that Jackson’s inauguration was before that and Harrison’s was later on, that left it pretty cut and dry that Van Buren should be in between them.

9. William Henry Harrison

If this list were concerned with the details of inaugurations, we might mention that Harrison contracted pneumonia at his and died in office just a month later. While that is deeply upsetting, that fact has no place on our list, which, as mentioned before, is only evaluating when exactly each president entered office. Nine.

 10. John Tyler

The main factor that put Tyler over the top to be our 10th entry would have to be the date of his inauguration. That’s likely the reason.

 11. James K. Polk

Ah! Would that this were a “president/music genre” list. Would that we could dance the James Polka, might go Lyndy hoppin’ with some hot dame before sauntering our way into a sweet Iran-Contra dance with that movie star Ronny Reagan. And not to make predictions, but don’t get me started on Cotton-Eye Joe. But alas, ‘tis not such a list. So Polka will remain at elevena, no matter how dance-like his namea.

 12. Zachary Taylor

Deemed by some as the most forgettable president of all time, he was inaugurated at some point. I don’t know.

 13.  Millard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore. What a peculiar name. Fillmard Nillmore. Miller Filler. Filled’erMillmore MurderDoormore, DillbertPillbo, Mallard Fellatio, Melancholic Filibuster… Huh! Oh right he’s at 13. This ain’t a list for ranking funny names, Dildo Filler.

14. Franklin Pierce

Franklin Pierce had a fascinating life that has nothing to do with the date of his inauguration. So, without further ado, #14..

15. James Buchanan

Some may confuse this man with “Bucky” Barnes from Marvel Studio’s The Winter Soldier. Not me, but some. And if some did, it’d probably be an honest mistake, and not something that people needed to f**king bring up all the ****** time. Not that it matters to this list. Fifteen.

16.  Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was played by Daniel Day-Lewis in the Oscar-winning film, Lincoln. At no point in the film is it even mentioned in passing that “Honest Abe” was the 16th president of the United States by date of inauguration, and so we give Lincoln a Certified Rotten, and Lincoln the 16th place on this list.

17. Andrew Johnson

This one was close, but upon researching the life and times of both Andrew Johnson and Ulysses S. Grant, it turns out Andrew Johnson’s inauguration was some years before Grant’s but also, a bit after Lincoln’s. So 17.

18.  Ulysses S. Grant

Perhaps the single greatest figure in Reconstruction America but only the 18th highest on our list. Sorry, Ulysses, maybe you should’ve spent less time healing America and more time becoming president at an earlier date. *Yawn*. Man this list is dragging on. I’m feelin’ kinda sleepy.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes

Making list is hard work very tiring. Rutherford B. Hayes, weird beard, okay president. Inauguration 1877.  number 19. Next. I take nap now.

 20. James Garfield

………………….

21. Chester A. Arthur

…………….. Snort. Huh? Chester? Cheetah? Oh! Chester Arthur was inaugurated at some point, yeah! Wait, did I miss someone, where am I?

 22. Grover Cleveland

Well, here he is at 22, and here he’ll stay. Sorry, folks. Maybe you wanted to see Grover at 21, maybe you wanted to see him at 23, or maybe even at 24. But here he is at 22. This list is ironclad. The only way to get around it would be some crazy happenstance, like getting elected, then losing, then getting re-elected. Hah! Who could imagine such a thing in these Great United States. Not me! Certainly not Grover Cleveland. So, 22 and that’s final!

23. Benjamin Harrison

Wait a minute I thought Grover had two inaugurations. Where the hell are the records for the second one!?

24. Grover Cleveland

Huh!? Grover, you cheeky bastard. Here he is again, folks! Coming in twice on our list! He did it, oh man, he did it! We salute you, sir.

25. William McKinley

Number 25 is William McKinley. How, you ask? Because of the relative date of his inauguration, you idiot.

26. Theodore Roosevelt

He might be third on Mt. Rushmore, but he’s 26th on our list because of what we are evaluating specifically. Suck it, Teddy.

27. William Howard Taft

Did you know this guy existed? I swear to god I thought it was Roosevelt then Wilson. Who is this guy? What did he do? Ah well, anyway. He’s the 27th by inauguration.

28. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson was the first president to stay faithful to his wife while in office. Now maybe that isn’t true, but did you come here looking for the truth, or looking for what date Woodrow Wilson was inaugurated? It’s March 4, 1913. Get going.

29. Warren G. Harding

Harding may have died in San Francisco of a massive heart attack, but you wanna know one thing he doesn’t share with my dad’s oldest brother? He was inaugurated on March 4, 1921.

30. Calvin Coolidge

Sneaky boy! Sneaky, sneaky boy! See, we caught this laissez-faire laddie having his inauguration in private. Thought you could confound us, you saucy thing? No dice. You’re #30, bitch.

 31. Herbert Hoover

Hoover, Hoover, Hoover. Normally we might say you watched your country fall apart while eating three-course meals in the White House. But instead we’ll simply say… your inauguration was on March 4, 1929.

 32.  Franklin D. Roosevelt

Oooh, you thought you’d get a li’l bump? Did you? You thought four inaugurations gets you a li’l something something? It’s thirty-two, you deceitful, polio-ridden, disability-cloaking genius. You cousin-fucking progressive visionary, you. Begone.

 33. Harry S. Truman

Harry, your middle name might be just one letter, but we gave you #33 anyway. I guess because that has nothing to do with our decision-making process. I mean, we didn’t give Nixon eight because his middle name’s Milhouse, what the fuck do you think this is?

 34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Hey-o Eisenhowerrr/

You are getting thirty… fowerrrrr/

I tried, it’s hard.

 35. John F. Kennedy

35 for Jack! And I don’t mean the caliber… of man he was! Nor am I referring to the bullet-speed with which he rose through politics. No, I’m talking about his inaugural date, of course. What’d you think I meant? Oh. Uh huh. Right. You know his kids are alive, right? You sicko.

 36.  Lyndon B. Johnson

Lyndon Johnson was inaugurated shortly after Jack Kennedy was shot. Though it’s still unknown who the CIA paid to kill Kennedy’s assassin, one thing we know for sure is when Lyndon was inaugurated.

 37. Richard M. Nixon

The craziest thing that happened in Richard Nixon’s presidency, for our intents and purposes, was his inauguration, which was, by all accounts, the 37th one.

 38. Gerald R. Ford

Widely known as the “bad boy” of the 20th century, Ford is a man who’s hard not to bump up in the ratings. But at the end of the day, bad boys don’t necessarily win the presidency either earlier or later than he did, so there.

 39. James Carter

Jimmy Carter has spent the years since the presidency walking the earth like the Wandering Jew, like a cursed dybbuk, looking to warn us of our follies, repenting for his time in office. Anyway, more importantly, his time in office began on Jan 20, 1977 and puts him at #39.

 40. Ronald Reagan

President Reagan entered office fortieth from George Washington. He did many things in office, but for us, that really blew everything else out of consideration vis a vis this list.

 41.  George H. W. Bush

George H. W. Bush is actually called “Bush ’41” these days, which should clue you in as to what place he has on our list.

42. William J. Clinton

Bill Clinton may have the worst wife of anyone on this list, but we don’t care. For the purposes of this list specifically, it was not held against him, and neither was his history of alleged sexual assault, nor was his saxophone solo held up as a pro for him. Sorry Billy. 

43.  George W. Bush

I know what you’re thinking: Waitaminute, isn’t this the guy from before? But no, there are several key differences: he didn’t win the election, he’s a different person, and he’s the 43rd entry on this list by inauguration date. Both are war criminals.

 44. Barack Obama

Barack Obama may be the #1 black president in American history, but he is all the way at #44 on this list of all presidents regardless of race, class or creed.

 45.  Donald J. Trump

Donald Trump is the president after Barack Obama, and as Barack Obama was the 44th president by date of inauguration, that means that Donald Trump must be #45.

 46.  Joseph R. Biden

Joe Biden is the last president of the United States. 

-OK ’21