I Thought Everyone Was Saying Eggnoguration And Please Someone Help Me Drink All This Eggnog

Today is January 20th, a day people have been talking about for a while now. A day I was formerly excited for. After four years of little hope, I thought today was going to usher in an era of good feelings in this country. That was, until I found out that the event we are gathered here for is in fact an inauguration, and not an eggnoguration.

I’m going to be frank with you, as you deserve my honesty: the idea of an eggnog-themed celebration was exciting to me despite my skepticism that such an event actually existed. Truth be told, I assumed it would be a niche festival that would attract at most a light crowd. But soon I began to hear more and more buzz about an “eggnoguration,” and I then fully realized the gravity of this monumental event.

Well, now I find myself standing on the National Mall, one cramped hand clutching the handle of my 55 Liter, 19″×13⅝″×11¼″  YETI cooler. I’m surrounded by armed soldiers yelling loud threats at me. And as far as I can tell, I’m the only one with any eggnog. I definitely planned to share my ’nog with my fellow compatriots, but unfortunately, I did not bring enough for the entire National Guard.

Do you know how long it took me to acquire all this eggnog? Christmas was a whole month ago! I had to hit six grocery stores and a farmer’s market to fill this thing up with cartons. Not to mention the fact that I had to lug it onto the Metro, down the street, and through three security checkpoints! Three! For a while I was even considering dumping out all the eggnog into the cooler and just letting it slosh around, naked. Thank God I didn’t, now THAT would be embarrassing!

Despite the physical toll each step of this journey brought upon me, a mere deliverer of eggnog, the thought of sharing a cold glass of sweet, sweet golden nectar with my fellow Americans gave me the strength to continue. Now I’m here. My knees are weak and my cooler-pulling hand is blistered. I have SO MUCH EGGNOG. And all I get is a viewing of a dumb oath with a Bible??? I didn’t bring oath milk! I brought eggnog! What ever happened to separation of church and eggnog anyway?

So please, officer. I beg you. You see me here with so much more eggnog than I could ever drink myself. It would mean the world to me if you let me hand you a glass, fill it with frothy, slightly-less-cold-than-it-should-be eggnog, and revel in the celebration. Cheers to new beginnings, and God bless America.

-BD ’22