Starved For Attention After Reinstating Varsity Teams, Dartmouth Moves To End Study Abroad Programs

After last Friday’s announcement that the administration would walk back their vow to eliminate five varsity teams, those egomaniacal attention whores are yet again trying to break through the headlines, this time slashing the College’s trademark study abroad programs.

Pundits suspect that President Hanlon wishes to be the top result for the Google search “President” and that the school seeks to capitalize off of a new line of limited edition protest shirts available at the Dartmouth Co-op. Because the administration has yet to release an official statement, we can only conclude that they find the idea of dirty rumors spreading about them positively orgasmic and think the press attention will make them jump a few spots in the U.S. News ranking of universities.

Right now we imagine the administration is occupied with concocting their next outrageous scandal to beam across headlines and Instagram infographics worldwide. You may not be going abroad, but the name Phil Hanlon surely will.

-DK ’24