Dartmouth Administration Cuts Two Libraries Because They’re For Nerds

After realizing that “only nerds have time to read stupid books,” the Dartmouth Administration has closed the Kresge and Paddock Libraries. “Only fucking losers want to read,” says President Phil Hanlon ‘77. “Physical Sciences? Music? What a bunch of old geeky bullshit.”

The Dartmouth Budget Office has officially announced a goal of cutting programs that “only benefit intellectual losers.” “I am utterly bewildered by this school’s long history of extensively funding these fucking weirdos,” argues Dartmouth Accountant George Crowe ‘99. “Why do we even have separate departments for different, boring ass languages? Combine them all and call it the Dweeby Words Department!”

Some Dartmouth students allege that this school is supposed to be for education and that we are supposed to learn while here, but Crowe knows that those people are part of the problem. Crowe complains “Why are they even here? To learn? Please, just put down your textbooks, take out your retainer, and go fuck someone for once instead of wasting another night of your pathetic, shitty existence.”

To help cut down on the overabundance of books on campus, Hanlon has donated all of Dartmouth’s books to Yale President Peter Salovey’s house because “he is the Ivy League’s lamest nerd.”

-CH ’24