Jerry Seinfeld Discovers the Mask

So I was walking down the street the other day, and everyone around me was wearing these masks on their faces. Have you noticed that? Not the ones that cover the whole face – just the nose and the mouth. Sometimes they’re just over the mouth. One guy even wore his around his chin. Can you believe it? What’s the deal with all of these masks all of a sudden? Everywhere you go, everyone’s wearing a mask. Stores hang signs of them now. From what I can tell, they want us to wear them in the stores. It’s madness! 

I remember there was a time when no one wore masks, and now, it’s like everybody’s wearing masks. But I can’t remember when everyone first started wearing them. Can you? Was it a Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday? I don’t know. I don’t think any of us know, so you can imagine my surprise when my wife started wearing one. And then, she told me to start wearing one!

Now women, women are smarter than us men. The female brain listens to science. While us men are out doing things, females are reading things. My wife has been reading these number pictures on her phone that tell her why she has to wear the masks. She hasn’t told me why yet. Maybe she told me once, many weeks ago, but how am I supposed to remember that? You know how women are, they say something once and they expect you to remember what they said. 

Only married men wear masks. Take a look around: any man you see with a mask on his face has a wife who made him wear it. We don’t know why, but we do it anyway. You see, masks are like wedding rings that way: you don’t know why you need them, but your wife sure gets angry when you take them off. Honestly, I don’t think we need wedding rings anymore. We have masks for that now. Wedding rings are obsolete. That’s progress. Think about it! Masks are cheaper, more colorful, and don’t get stuck on your finger after you have too many hot dogs. 

My wife is making me wear two masks now, as if one wasn’t enough. What the hell is that about? Apparently, some guy at the C-D-C named Dr. Fauci told her to do it, which means his wife must be a real piece of work. At first, it felt really strange, the whole two masks thing. I didn’t know which one went on top, but after my wife put hers on, I realized something: I can’t hear a word she says anymore with the second mask on. It’s incredible! I can do whatever I want now, and I don’t have to hear her tell me “no, Jerry!” 

I’m just gonna take the damn mask off. What’s she gonna do, tell me to put it back on? I’m finally free. I can live again.

-VQ ’24 & HP ’22