Xerxes: Abolish Greek Life

I, Xerxes son of Darius, Great King of Persia and Media, King of Kings, King of the Lands; Master of Libya, Egypt, Arabia, Ethiopia, Babylonia, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Elam, Syria, Assyria and the nations of Palestine; Ruler of Ionia, Lydia, Phrygia, Armenia, Cilcia, Cappadocia, Thrace, Macedonia and the trans-Caucasus, Cyprus, Rhodes, Samos, Chios, Lesbos and the islands of the Aegean; Sovereign Lord of Parthia, Bactria, Caspia, Sousiana, Paphlagonia and India; Lord of all men from the rising to the setting sun, His Most Holy, Reverend and Exalted, Invincible, Incorruptible, Blessed of God Ahura Mazda and Omnipotent among Mortals am declaring war on Greek Life at Dartmouth College. 

After I was thwarted by pesky Greek resistance forces at Salamis and Plataea, I have vowed to abolish Greek life from every edge of this Earth. Nothing short of a scorched earth policy will be tolerated as my Persian horde advances on the Greek and Hellenic allies that are holding out in Hanover, New Hampshire. Those who have coexisted with these impostors to my holy rule, may come to me and join my swelling ranks or die by my fiery blade. I now speak directly to you, members of the Greek resistance. You, who submit, will be rewarded with a quick death and a proper burial and may join your families in your afterlife, as was the case for the brothers of the Alpha Delta and Sigma Epsilon. You who resist will be tortured, beheaded, and crucified on the Green as was the fate of your King Leonidas. 

The Connecticut river will run red with the blood of Hellenes and the fields of the Upper Valley will be fertilized with Greek flesh and bone. Gaze on my encroaching armies and despair!

Inscribed and submitted, as recorded by Marvdasht son of Artabazos, His Majesty’s royal scribe, this fourteenth day of Ululu, ninth year of His Majesty’s Accession.

– GV ’23