Self Defense? Student Booby Traps Room On Homecoming Weekend

Less than one week before Homecoming Weekend, June Petrich ’24, learned about the age-old alumni tradition of having sexual relations in one’s old dorm room. Instead of locking their door like most other students, Petrich sought vengeance in the form of “booby trap.”

“I was horrified,” recounted Petrich, who just got a single after spending their first year in a triple. “Here I was, thinking I was free from the sexcapades of roommates at all times of day, but now I must suffer from the deviant fantasies of some washed-up investment banker and his latest fling. And even worse? They told me to lock my door for these perverted clowns.”

Petrich, like many current students, questioned the entitlement and power dynamics entrenched in the Homecoming custom.

“I wanted them to suffer, and I wanted to make them suffer through my own creations.”

Own creations indeed. Some of Petrich’s elaborate contraptions included banana peels, a kiddie-pool of leeches, jets of lukewarm cow’s milk, and a Whoopee Cushion.

“Surely being subjected to these messy hoodwinks will make them see the error of their ways. They’ll stop before they get started! And the best part is, I put a ‘Danger: Beware of banana peels, leeches, cow’s milk, and a Whoopee Cushion’ sign on my dorm room door. HA. Like anyone would listen to that?”

Evidently, The Washed-Up Investment Banker ’05 and His Latest Fling ’16 did not. Although illicit facial-recognition technology identified the pair of alumni by name, major, Dartmouth ID, address, and social security number, their names have been kept anonymous for privacy purposes. 

“That was fucking disgusting,” said Banker, recalling the sensation of getting soaked with lukewarm cow’s milk before performing cunnilingus on Fling atop a nineteen year old college student’s bed, “What kind of sicko would do something like this?”

Petrich, who, through binoculars while perched on a tree branch, observed the couple slip on banana peels into a pool of leeches, which triggered streams of cow’s milk that blasted the couple onto an extra large Whoopee Cushion before still proceeding to have sex on a stranger’s bed, asked themself in disbelief, “What kind of curdled swine would do something like this?”

Later that night, Petrich surveyed the wreckage left behind in their dorm. They pointed to the rumpled pile of bedding tossed on the floor and sighed, “Ah shit. I should have used more leeches.”

– VQ ’24 & HP ’22