Course Lab Components Designed To Discourage STEM Students From Actually Pursuing STEM

A recent survey of Dartmouth’s STEM departments reported that while some lab components are meant to further students’ understanding, the vast majority are intended to show students that science is hard and they are dumb.

“It is meant to introduce them to real-world conditions,” said Professor Rogers, adding a seventh component called ‘Explain Why You’re Smart Enough For This and Not Just Indulging in Childish Self-loving Delusion’ followed by an eighth titled ‘Are You Sure?’ to the already 22-page long lab report due that night.

When asked about the large quantity of below-median grades, he discussed the “extensive shortcomings” of his students’ performance thus far. Rogers harped one ’23 as an example,  “This student had the audacity to  assert that water is a liquid without even thinking to cite a source! Well, how does she know that? STEM is not a goddamn fantasy world, it is academia. One can’t assume everyone knows that!”

“Another student,” he continued, “only repeated the exact same multi-step experiment 8 out of the 9 required times. That leaves a massive room for error.” 

“There was this especially disgraceful freshman,” he continued, unprompted, “who couldn’t create the 3-D structure of carboxymethylcellulose without asking for help. Imagine that, asking me, their teacher, to elaborate or worse yet, clarify?”

On being asked to reflect on the faltering enrollment in his course, he maintained that handwritten lab procedures are an irreplaceable measure of one’s abilities in STEM and overall worth as an individual. At press time, Rogers curved lab and exam grades as he is up for tenure.

– SP ’25