7 Tips For Unzipping Your Backpack On 4FB

We’ve all been there. You just sat down to study in your favorite quiet spot on campus, but oh, no! To get started on your work, you need to unzip that noisy backpack! Here’s how to keep under the radar in the silent study spaces around campus.

1. Unzipping it all in one go: the noise is over quickly, but unfortunately you might turn a head or two. 
2. Arrive 40-50 minutes before you want to start studying, to slowly unzip your backpack in little increments so people don’t notice. This is an easy method, but only for people who aren’t on a tight study schedule.
3. Don’t zip your backpack up at all! If it’s never zipped then it never needs to be unzipped. Your folders and pens might spill across the floor if you move too fast, but awkward noise will be the least of your problems.
4. Find a quieter alternative to zippers, like a lace-up backpack. Just make sure it’s not velcro, yikes!
5. Find an alternative to backpacks! Consider a reusable tote, a midsize terracotta pot, or (for those with more to lug around) a classic oaken barrel with a cushioned lid.
6. Create a distraction! Light a firecracker at the other end of the library, then time your zip with its explosion. Nice! Amid the bangs, pops, and spreading flames, nobody will notice you getting out your computer.
7. Channel the forbidden energies of Xor’giuz, the Banishèd to make 4fb temporarily One With The Void. Removing all the air in the library through His dark power prevents sound from traveling in the resultant vacuum. It’s sure to keep people from hearing that jangly zipper. Do note that the air in your body will expand in this new environment. Exhale immediately to keep your lungs from rupturing and wear stretchy fabrics for when your limbs and torso balloon to twice their normal size.

– BH ’23