Interim Provost David Kotz Tapped To Join Administration

David Kotz ’86, Computer Science professor and former Interim Provost of the College, has just been tapped to join the Administration full-time. While most secret societies choose to remain secretive about the composition of their membership, “The Admin” is one of the few groups that chooses to publish their ranks. Many former members have gone to illustrious careers at other fine higher education institutions, high level work in government, and the World Bank. 

Key eye witnesses report they saw Kotz reportedly putting on recorded, repetitive broadcasts that were clearly meant to be a part of the initiation process. An anonymous source said, “While we are in no way affiliated with The Admin, we emphatically affirm that there is no hazing.”  

Many students report a flurry of activity occurring at 8:30 AM and 5 PM outside of the Secret Society’s reported location, 14 North Main Street, which is supposedly named “Parkhurst Hall.” Due to Kotz’s admittance to the group, gossip has circulated about the inner workings of the organization. However, little is known other than the fact that the president of the group convenes a small group of other society members in a candlelit ceremony to pick the next member of the “Wheelock Succession” around Winter Carnival Weekend. 

Rumors about The Admin have swirled for years. It also reported that one undergraduate member is selected for society candidacy, and they are reportedly called the “President’s Intern.” There are anecdotes that the Administration supposedly uses the most paper of any building in Hanover, the members must wear a “tie,” “suit pant,” or other garments in the manner of “business casual” in order to identify themselves on big weekends, and that they must do as much as possible to obfuscate their involvement in The Administration’s stated purpose: campus decision-making. 

At press time, David Kotz could not be reached for comment but was seen exiting Parkhurst early hours of the morning. Local sleuths concluded that despite the heightened interest in the Admin as a result of their new addition, “we still know fuck all about what the Administration actually does.” 

– LM ’23