Five Hot Tips To Fix Your Face Now That The Mask Mandate’s Lifted

With Dartmouth having just lifted the the indoor mask requirement on March 16, many students have found themselves feeling nervous about showing their faces around campus again come spring. But don’t worry, girly, this campus is your runway and I’m here to help you work it! I’m getting the vibe that you’re one of those self-conscious types, so here are all the tips you’ll need for your mask-free makeover!

1. Get some sleep

The past two years of Covid chaos have been really draining, so make sure you rest up before coming to class without a mask! All of that fatigue can have dramatic effects on your face, such as those big, dark bags you’ve got under your eyes right now. And your ghastly complexion. Oh, and that distant, soulless look in your bloodshot eyes…I mean those were always there without the mask but just thought I should point it out.

2. Improve your skincare routine

Okay now that I’m getting a better look at you, you should probably also take better care of your skin to fix that whole looking-dead-inside thing. Wait, you don’t already have a skincare routine?? I…okay, actually you know what that totally makes sense given, well, you know…[incomprehensible chortle]….ahem, anywayyssssss. Yes, you should totally start a skincare routine. I mean, it might not fix all of…[gestures vaguely]… well, mmmm, y’know. But the skin is a great place to start! Go to CVS and just start with, like, moisturizer or something? Maybe some chapstick? Honestly just giving yourself a spritz with one of those little spray bottles would probably be an improvement. Baby steps, you know?

3. Turtlenecks! At all times please.

Okay, turtlenecks aren’t all that seasonally appropriate for spring term. But, honestlyyyy… I don’t think being totally ignorant of seasonal fashion trends would be much of a change for you. Get your favorite turtleneck and pull it riiiight up over your nose. Wait actuallyyyyy on second thought maybe go up to your eyes too? Ok no scratch that, just go aaaallllllll the way up over that big pimply forehead of yours. Yeah. The less we all have to see, the better! Let’s consider this a win-win situation–you get to protect yourself from gusty springtime winds and everyone else from catching even the slightest glimpse of your heinous face!

4. Scout out a Plastic Surgeon (in Training?)

Wait omg though, I just remembered that Dartmouth is, like, an elite academic institution! We have tons of pre-meds and Geisel students who can probably do surgery or something, right? I guess you could wait for them to get their license and then they could give you a Dartmouth alumni network discount on the dozens of operations you’d need, but to be totally honest I really don’t think you have the time to wait. How about you just go to Ramekin and scout out some Geisel students? Just give them a quick flash of your sad, abhorrent little gremlin face, and I’m sure they’ll come around!

5. Leave.

Oh no! Your face is still an absolutely repulsive, reeking, repugnant dumpster fire spewing out noxious gasses and animal carcasses that would make even the filthiest of trolls pass out from disgust? Awwww girly I’m so sorry! How about you just, like, leave campus and take a couple terms off until we have to mask again? I’m sure the next once-in-a-lifetime pandemic is just around the corner, so just hang tight. Xoxo!

– LA ’25