Bad Things Happen To Bad People. And I’m Fucking Disgusting.

People are always askin’, “why do bad things happen to good people?” Well I’m here to tell you: if bad things do in fact happen to good people (I wouldn’t know), then foul, FOUL things happen to bad people. 

Good people do good things, take out the trash, do laundry, wash their hands, yes. Bad people, like myself? Well, let’s just say we don’t do those types of things… you catchin’ my drift? Good people? Oprah Winfrey? Paul Rudd? The Dalai Llama hisself?? I’d bet you a thousand dollars they’re doin’ good things out there. Pickin’ up trash on beaches, donatin’ to charity, givin’ homeless people a few spare bucks, sure… But me and my pals? Are you fuckin’ crazy?

The things that me and my buddies do? You don’t wanna hear about that kind of stuff. That shit is GRIM content. That garbage is NOT FIT FOR THE INTERNET. Me and my cronies? That’s not PBS, that’s late late late late night. Me and the boys I’m hanging out wit??? You serious????

Sure, bad things do happen to us, citizen’s arrests, house arrests, nights in the clink, but if you knew? What we been up to? You best be thankin’ your lucky friggin STARS you haven’t gotten caught hangin with these frickin’ gangbangers, fuckin’ cow tippers, fuggin’ horse riders, slim-dickin’ shot-callers, cocksuckin’ corn-field racers, shit-slappin’ sons of bitches. Sorry, not sorry.

Misdemeanors on my record? Count ‘em up son. Come to think of it, Miss Demeanor was at my house last night, yea, along with ya mother.  Read ‘em and weep kid. The world ain’t fit out for a couple of roughnecks like myself and the slimy asshats that I call family. Slingin’ crime, doin’ time, and then sleeping with the judge’s father. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

– CN ’25