Holy Macaroni: A Review Of Kraft’s New Apostle-Shaped Macaroni And Cheese

Have you ever been eating macaroni and cheese and thought, hmmm, this could use a little more religion? Until five days ago, I had personally never thought that. No one I’ve ever talked to has thought that. But someone at Kraft, through what appears to have been divine intervention, thought “hmmm this macaroni and cheese could use a little more religion.” 

Just last week, Kraft announced a limited edition Apostle-shaped line of Macaroni and Cheese. According to Kraft, part of this decision was made for charity, as the Apostles are a for-prophet non-profit group, but it was mostly the lack of religious symbology in the instant mac & cheese market that led them to the creation of this product. 

At first, I wondered: do we really need religious macaroni? Five days ago, I would have said no. I would have said it’s trying too hard to be like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shaped mac & cheese. I would have said that we need to separate church and cheese. But then I tried it.

When I took my first bite of pastafied Peter and macaronied Matthew, I changed my tune. Now it is a well known fact that shaped mac & cheese by design can carry more cheese. What is a lesser known fact, however, is when those shapes are the 12 apostles of Jesus Christ, they carry even more cheese. I think the difference is that while the shapes normally have gaps that get filled with cheese, the Apostles are especially holy. The cheese mixture coats and clings to every edge of Bartholomew and every ridge of Andrew. The crevices of James and John in particular carried oodles and doodles of cheese on their noodles. There was no Jesus shaped macaroni, but the orange powder did magically turn to goo, so that’s gotta be something. 

But enough about the heavenly taste. More than that, the macaroni made me feel. I just felt. In fact, I felt so strongly that I was unsure if anything would compare to the feeling again. To have felt what I felt, the feeling of all feelings, is more powerful than what I’d previously thought to have felt about anything. For years, I never understood the power of The Divine. But now? Now I get it. I know why, why wars are fought and why man kills . Because now I’ve tasted Christianity, and let me tell you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for those tiny apostle-shaped macaroni pieces. The Pasta Peter. Matthew Macaroni. Flavorful Philip. Tasty Thomas. All of them, they mean the world to me. I’d eat every one for my last supper. 

In conclusion, I’d rate Kraft’s Apostle-shaped Macaroni and Cheese 11/12 apostles. Judas was a tad overcooked on account of being burnt in Hell.

– MF ’25