Freshman Donates Infinite Meal Swipes, Ends World Hunger

During this term’s Swipes for Hunger event, Jessica Stoll ‘25 donated not just one meal swipe, but her entire infinite supply of them. Thanks to Jessica’s wise, compulsory investment in the Ivy Unlimited meal plan, she has succeeded in ending hunger not just in the Upper Valley, but in the entire world.

Typically, Swipes for Hunger asks students to make very limited donations, which are capped at only ten dollars of DBA or a single meal swipe. And for those that are on the Ivy Unlimited plan with infinite meal swipes, meal swipe donations are prohibited altogether. But when Jessica approached the Swipes for Hunger table earlier this week, this policy didn’t seem to matter to her. The volunteer on duty, Julian Khan ‘23, failed to realize what Jessica’s meal plan was, and to his surprise, Jessica’s infinitely vast donation “just sort of worked.”

Dartmouth Dining Services was baffled by the move, disappointed that after all these years, a student had finally found a way to exploit the true potential of the Ivy Unlimited plan. Still, DDS director Adam Frederick begrudgingly recognized that “infinite is infinite”, and began preparing DDS to serve the 811 million people currently suffering from starvation.

As a result of this watershed moment for the fight to end world hunger, DDS workers will now be working a few extra shifts to keep up with this new uptick in clients. Although students may need to be a bit more patient in the stir fry line, Frederick has promised them that DDS is more than capable of managing increased traffic as long as everyone is mindful of DDS policy. “Just because you can dine as infinitely as you please doesn’t mean that you can just be greedy,” Frederick warned in a recent press release. “So please don’t take more than one piece of fresh fruit with you at a time, and for the love of God, don’t use your Green2Go during a sit-down meal.” At press time, throngs of the world’s starving were seen waiting on the steps of FoCo for the next meal period since they’d accidentally used their lunch swipes on the Collis special.

– LA ’25