In Celebration Of The 50th Year Of Coeducation, Dartmouth Allows Women More Basic Rights

Dear members of the Dartmouth community,

As some of you may have noticed, 2022 marks the fiftieth anniversary of coeducation on campus. In 1972, former Dartmouth president John G. Kemeny benevolently created a year-round quarter plan in order to admit women to the college without admitting fewer men, because that would be crazy, obviously. 

Since then, the Big Green has had the middling pleasure of serving as the alma mater of many generations of inspiring women. It is for this reason that today our kind, altruistic administration is honored to announce that we will be expanding the rights we bestow our female community members to much more than just an education.

For starters, women have the right to be heard now. Did you know that? That girl in your WGSS 10 class that always gets interrupted mid-sentence? Now we have to give her a chance to finish her argument—very generous of us. Those girls placing clear Title IX cases against the proud sons of Dartmouth? We suppose we could listen to them for a little bit. But not too long because we have meetings to get to.

We also obviously care about women and freedom of thought! But do not worry, we don’t care that much because we are going to invite government representatives known for their sexual misconduct and aggression towards women every other term or so. That one is kind of our bad. Whoops.

Speaking of sexual misconduct, women now have a right to housing and security, which we have provided by taking them off the housing waitlist and placing them next to their rapists. We understand that women may not want to be on the same floor as their assaulter. We encourage them to consider that sometimes in life you won’t get what you want. There are known sexual assaulters on campus, but please recognize that, we—the Dartmouth administration— are simply not going to do anything about it.

Hope everyone has a great term, and by everyone, I mean strictly the cisgendered men. Fuck everyone else.

With warm wishes,

The Dartmouth Administration <3

—MC ’25