Are You There, Students? It’s Me, Your House Professor

Hellooo students, I’m here to make some announcements about the awesome events we’ve put together for you all as part of the HOUSE COMMUNITY CARNIVAL! We’ll be kicking off this Monday with donuts from Lou’s!! And then we’ll be having TIE DYE TUESDAY!! You’ll get some SICK white t-shirts with nothing but our house name on them and then you…you tie them up with rubber bands and you uh, put them in the dye and…God…this is humiliating. 

What am I even doing? Is anyone still reading these? I got my hopes up about you all when you ate up that apple picking trip last month, but it looks like you’re only going to show up for me when you get fresh produce and an Instagram post out of it. How selfish. Take a step back and think of your fellow community members. Think of your UGAs. And most importantly, think of me…your house professor.

This is my life’s work, folks. Sure, my “job” is teaching linguistics seminars, but my passion is writing these emails for you every week, and what for? For you to carelessly toss my musings into your virtual trash cans, week after week after week. The endless cycle of watching Mandala Mondays turn into Succulent Sundays is absolutely maddening. A woman can only spend so much time coloring and potting plants all by her lonesome.

Say, did you know that I tried fly fishing for the first time last weekend? Or that my dog got spayed last month and she had to wear a silly cone? I invited you all to my on-campus house to visit Lady Beatrice and wish her a speedy recovery, but not a single one of you showed up. One day I even drank a cup of chamomile tea at Occom Pond and reflected on new beginnings as I watched the autumn leaves dance through the air…and no one said a thing. I welcomed you into the intimate moments of my life, yet you pushed me aside. 

In dark moments like these, I often wonder what life on the other side is like…what if I worked at Harvard instead? Did you know that Harvard has twelve whole housing communities? Twelve! I have no doubt those Harvard students would get down on their hands and knees just to read my emails every week. They would treat me like the queen I know I am deep down. Hell, they have a whole day dedicated to nothing but joining houses! They all sing and run and dance around campus purely because they are so, so excited to join a house and make new friends and share community spaces and TALK TO THEIR GODDAMN HOUSE PROFESSOR.

So. With all of that said, I would like to announce that I am currently filling out a Harvard job application. If anyone wishes to make amends before I leave this godforsaken school, please schedule a meeting with me on Calendly or just show up to my fucking Taco Tuesday dinners for once. Please. I bought a churro kit this time.

— LA ’25