President Abraham Lincoln Re-Assassinated for “Polarizing and Extreme Progressivism”

Just a week after his revival by the Secretary of Necromancy, President Lincoln has been assassinated by political reactionaries for a second time. Under custody, one assailant Richard Pluck said, “He was a total extremist! Trying to divide our country and give it to non-Americans!” 

This shocking murder comes after a politically tumultuous week for Lincoln. At his second first address in front of Congress, Lincoln expressed frustration with the country’s stagnation: “Seven score and seventeen years ago, this country, while great, was not ready for all the progress I thought possible. But now, over a century later, all the injustices and plagues that I was unable to quash should be vanquished!”

He continued, “But there are still five states in this great Union that refuse to compensate imprisoned laborers, largely black folk! This is simply slavery by another name! Have we TRULY not moved past that clause in the Thirteenth Amendment?! What did we fight a Civil War for?” 

Some took issue with this proposal to end slavery (again), including Pluck: “This woke agenda is just undermining our entire way of life! How is our economy supposed to adapt if we get rid of all this free labor?”

Lincoln didn’t expect to face as much backlash as he did, and he certainly didn’t expect to be shot again over beliefs that were controversial in 1865. But, alas, he received pushback from many politicians. Said Lincoln: “Well, no matter what, my fellow Republicans will always support me.”

Said fellow Republican Buck Johnson, “I liked him better when he was just a dead face I could put a quote next to.” While President Lincoln was in the hospital after being shot, Johnson and other Republicans sedated him and used his limp hand to sign an increased federal prison budget. Lincoln died two hours later.

Despite his salient points about civil rights in the United States, President Lincoln was not hopeless for the future of our nation. His memorable new last words: “Well, at the very least, nobody has tried to overthrow the elected government again.”

—CT ’26