Republicans To Divide North and South Dakota Into 37 New States To Protect Senate Chances

BREAKING: The legislatures of North and South Dakota have voted to “mutually redefine their borders” into a strange mess of no less than 37 new smaller states, with names such as “Northeast Southern West Dakota” and “Northern Southwestern Central Eastern Dakota.” Somehow, they managed to draw the border lines so that the states’ Native American reservations would each be divided among all 37 new states so that Native Americans would remain a minority in all of them.

The division’s architects were evasive when describing their reasons for the split. One, a rodeo performer and state representative, said “God told me to do it when my steer narrowly missed killin’ me at the county fair.” Another representative claimed that the division would mean “more, bigger freedom” because “smaller states mean smaller government which means more liberty.”

Analysts of Great Plains politics, however, are unconvinced. They suggest that the real reason for the change is because Republicans are worried about their fate in the future elections. One analyst pointed out that splitting North and South Dakota into 37 new states would mean adding a whopping 70 more senators to the U.S. Senate. A further 35 representatives would join the House, tipping both chambers of Congress into GOP hands for the foreseeable future. In any case, the 37 states are already writing new constitutions, although one convention has broken down into chaos over the issue of whether votes should be weighted based on how many cattle or how many guns a voter has.

Regardless of what outsiders feel, the effort already has the backing of the Supreme Court. Justice Clarence Thomas made an appearance at the new state capitol for Western Southeast Dakota, a revamped Cracker Barrel off of I-90. He made numerous references to how the new states were “just what the founders would have wanted” and fit in perfectly with an “originalist interpretation of my political objectives.” However, TV news was more interested in the fact that he was the new state’s first and so far only African-American resident during his overnight stay at the nearby hotel. “He’s bravely shattering the glass ceiling,” one commentator remarked. Meanwhile, Justice Thomas’ wife, Ginni Thomas, just announced she would be doing paid consulting for all 37 new states on preventing voter fraud by developing a new voting-free, extra secure electoral system.

— TL ’24