The Collis Meatball Disparity

This past year, Dartmouth removed student loan requirements for families making less than $125,000. This step has been praised as an important stride towards an equitable campus. However, students note it pales in comparison to the formidable Collis meatball disparity.

Dartmouth’s policy is intended to assuage the burden on students from families that qualify for federal SNAP assistance. “Food stamps? Is that like DBA? Yeah, then we should have more food stamps! Like… who can afford the lunch special without food stamps?” commented Public Policy minor Faith Zobello ‘25, currently enrolled in “Economics of Social Policymaking”. According to our reporting, she missed the lecture on welfare programs because she was stuck in the smoothie line.

The disparity extends beyond meatballs– students are worried about the inequity engendered by Collis prices at large. “I was literally broke after I accidentally got whey protein in my ‘Life Changer’ smoothie on Tuesday,” bemoaned Arin O’Qusberty ‘24. Sources close to Arin have confirmed that she is not broke in a technical sense, but has just “not received her monthly allowance yet.”

When asked to rank her top three issues, Great Issues Scholar Grace Kimberley ‘26 reflected, “Number one, hands-down, Collis omelet toppings. $1.50 per topping? You’re kidding. Two– gotta be Collis stir fry. They have to fix that chicken-to-rice ratio! Three… I don’t really know… climate change? Sucks about the polar bears. Wait, actually, scratch that. Collis sushi– way more knowledgeable about that.”

Upon announcing Dartmouth’s loan removal policy, President Phil Hanlon ‘77 received generous commendation. However, the press conference wasn’t all roses–

“Why do Boloco bowls at Collis cost more than Boloco Bowls at Boloco? Does Boloco know about that? Also, quick sidenote, is it supposed to taste like that? It tastes off… I’ll still eat it, I mean, I spent DBA… but that can’t be right, can it?” wonders Ann-Kate Smiley ‘25 to raucous applause and hurrahs.

 “Wait– are people seriously complaining about Collis when there’s so many more actual issues?” questions Michael Sunabuga ‘26 to a few polite claps and coughs.

Following more hangry complaints about the Meatball Disparity, President Hanlon quit on the spot. Incoming President Sian Beliock will be available for comment either when she assumes office on July 1, 2023, or when she’s done with lunch at the Hop (likely the latter).

– VP ‘25