Congressional Committee Determines New COVID-19 Variant Started In Chi Gam Hot Tub

A new congressional committee charged with investigating the origins of the COVID-19 virus has already yielded results. Preliminary findings indicate that the currently dominant XBB.1.5 omicron strain first mutated in none other than the Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity hot tub. 

According to genealogical records analyzed by the committee, the highly virulent strain seems to have first emerged in the lower right bubble vent of the fraternity’s hot tub sometime in October 2022. The timeline presented by the committee lines up with Chi Gam’s Oct. 7 ‘So You Forgot To Do Laundry’ Joints, during which participants are encouraged to soak their oldest laundry in the hot tub while they take a swim.

“These are really quite exciting findings,” exclaimed Centers for Disease Control and Prevention scientist Cecily Ibarra while examining a crusty muscle tank under a microscope. “XBB.1.5’s extra sharp spike protein, which makes it 20% more transmissible than the original omicron strain, appears to have mutated for the first time in an primordial soup of bubbling lukewarm water, weeks-old gym sock sweat, and Keystone-based amino acids.”

The committee’s report states further that the hot tub has been the site of previous disease outbreaks on campus, including hand, foot, and mouth disease (2019), the Zika virus (2014), gonorrhea (2003), rabies (1987), pinkeye (1973), tuberculosis (most years, really), and a particularly contagious strain of influenza (1917). 

“Clearly, this hot tub is comparable to an advanced laboratory in terms of its bioengineering potential,” Ibarra said. “The sheer number of complex molecular compounds we found when we swam — I mean, ran our tests — is staggering!”

Symptoms of the new variant, according to the CDC, include difficulty breathing, a feeling that everything smells like frat floor, and a desire to go out at least four nights a week. Luckily, the new variant also has a unique treatment: A mixture of NyQuil, Paxlovid, and pong water taken twice a day in a clear plastic cup will clear symptoms quickly. 

Rep. Jim Jordan, Republican (R-OH), stated at a recent hearing that the findings showed the promise of the investigation. “The next step is clear: a site visit by at least 10 members of this committee” Jordan said. “We have to determine whether the site remains a biohazard, whether Dr. Fauci was conducting gain-of-function research at this so-called ‘tails’ event, and whether Hunter Biden has ever been to Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity for any purpose whatsoever.”

Chi Gam president Rahul Andrews ’23 expressed shock at the CDC report, noting that the hot tub is cleaned with a solution of bleach and steel wool brushes “at least once a year.”

“Frankly, the folks blaming us for this are being unfair,” he added, while using hand sanitizer for the sixth time in 15 minutes. “Most of the guys who brought their laundry to that party were Heorots.”

— K.M. ’22