DDS Announces “Eat Conscious” Program to Mitigate Rising Food Prices

In a stunning move, Dartmouth Dining Services has announced the imminent implementation of a new nutrition campaign at the College: the “Eat Conscious” Program. “The administration has informed us that Dartmouth’s student population has surpassed the school’s capacity for housing and class enrollment,” said Dining Director Jake Wozinski in a press conference on Saturday. “So at their behest, we’ve decided to take drastic nutrition-related measures to make sure that our school can adequately support its students.”  

“The program’s main goal, put simply, is to keep the student body lean and mean––just like our premium lemongrass chicken offered every Monday,” Wozinski shared. “For example, we’ll be adding macadamia nuts to our signature chocolate chip cookies at random points throughout the term, in order to prioritize the health and survival of those without nut allergies. We also plan on lacing the cherry lemonade dispensed from our Coke fountain machines with ricin and cyanide. After all, anyone drinking that stuff clearly has a death wish.”

When asked about the high moral costs associated with the Plan’s imagined herd-thinning effect, Wozinski shrugged: “That is a sacrifice we must be willing to make for the sake of this College.” As for what the protocol will be when a student eats any of the purposely-contaminated food items available at FOCO, Wozinski assured that “our dedicated cleaning staff remains at the ready to carry away any dead bodies felled by our premium beverages.” In regards to what students can do to prepare for the “Eat Conscious” initiative’s official launch, Wozinski simply told students to “prepare for the worst––immediate death, that is––and hope for the best: being able to eat consciously. And I mean that literally.”

Wozinski’s announcement drew mixed reactions from the Dartmouth community. “DDS’s new plan is insane,” said Wren McCoyle ‘26. “I have a severe macadamia nut allergy, so I’ll literally die if I ingest those nutty cookies. I just got to this school, and they’re already trying to kill me? I knew this Ivy Unlimited Plan was bullshit.”

Isabella Hopkins ‘25 concurred with McCoyle, adding that DDS’s new plan factored into her last-minute decision to take an off-term for the winter. “I expect to be poisoned as I ingest the vape-and-weed scented air in the basement of Kappa Pi Kappa. I expect to nearly leave the mortal plane out of embarrassment when my 21F hookup tries to get in my face and chat me up at a party, spittle flying from his pimply mug. But to ask me to court death in the safe haven that is FOCO? That, my friend, is a bridge too far.”

However, not everyone in the student body agrees that the “Eat Conscious” program is a detriment to student life at Dartmouth. “In my opinion, the plan makes total sense,” said Lyle Williamson ‘23. “We’re at one of the best, most prestigious universities in the world. We wouldn’t have gotten admitted if we couldn’t handle a bit of Darwinism here and there. I say, continue on, DDS. Weed out the weaklings so only those who deserve to be here––like myself––may survive.” Williamson declined to speak at length when asked to comment on his reported weekly outings to Hanover restaurant Pine on Saturdays.

Despite this divided reaction to the new program, one thing’s for certain: come wintertime, “Eat Conscious” will be here to stay. “At the end of the day, our only wish for the student body is that they remain healthy, happy, and most of all: safe,” Wozinski concluded in his press conference. “Unless they choose to eat the FOCO cookies. Or drink the cherry lemonade. Or raid the microgreens cabinet. Or taste the broccoli cheddar soup. Or peruse the salad bar. Or…well, you get the idea.” 

At press time, Wozinki could be seen scooping road salt from a trash can to use for seasoning in the New England clam chowder.

— A.C. ’26