Pervert! This Guy Eats Plain Yogurt And He Really Likes It

He seemed perfectly normal in my Econ class. He was polite, well kept, and clean shaven. I’ve never personally seen him participate in digressive behavior, but I have eyes everywhere, and people talk. Oh boy, do they talk. “Knowing how well he was able to hide his lifestyle makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel so gross just thinking about him walking around public tricking normal people into thinking he’s one of them.This sicko, this creep. This guy eats plain yogurt for lunch and he really really likes it. 

Look, his behavior is completely appalling. If he wanted to spoon the cultured low fat treat into his maw alone, I guess I would get it. People have desires that have to be quelled so if the thing that he craves is a creamy semisolid formed by the bacterial fermentation of milk with the taste completely unconcealed by any sort of topping, so be it. As long as he’s not rubbing it in my face and making a big prideful show of it. I just don’t want to know about it. 

I get that a lot of people choose to experiment with their dietary habits in college, but the problem with experimentation is that sometimes it sticks, and it’s a slippery slope. While eating plain yogurt once is disgusting, it really becomes clear that a person is a deviant when it’s a repeat offense. Once you try something like this, there’s no telling where it will stop. Sure it’s a choice, but a lot of people aren’t strong enough to ignore their urges. I’ve obviously had the impulse to eat plain yogurt before, but have I ever actually raised the spoon and taken the plunge? Of course not! I’m not a monster.

The real thing I have a problem with is that he’s doing it shamelessly in public where children are around. Imagine if my child sees this man eating plain yogurt. Imagine! Well I don’t have a child and I’m not pregnant, but imagine if my eggs caught a whiff of this. They might grow up to do the same someday. 

Listen, I don’t mean to shame but this is the type of thing that you should do behind closed doors. Behind closed, locked, chained up, and double bolted bullet proof doors. It’s not like I hate him as a person. Remember, I said he was perfectly personable in my writing five class… it’s just that I don’t think God created him this way. My God would never make a man that could eat plain yogurt like this without batting an eye.

— S.C. ’26