In recent years, the Dartmouth Skiway- a hallmark of Dartmouth’s athletic and outdoorsy nature- has struggled, facing repeated budget deficits, difficulties in hiring qualified staff, and a continued decline in Dartmouth student participation. T Yesterday, the Skiway, and its director Marvin Clode, announced their ambitious plan for reform.
“The Skiway’s got to get its groove back,” proclaimed Clode from behind a pair of vintage 1978 uni-lens “Send-O-Vision” snowglasses and a Day-Glo Orange single-size elastic skisuit. “It’s time to be cool.”
Clode confirmed that the Skiway will shift from its previous model–targeting first-time and experienced skiers alike–in favor of offering free passes to “the skronkiest, gnarliest, most heinous free-heelers this side of Jackson Hole. We want guys with one syllable nouns for names, like Dash, Speed, and Ace. We want boomers who earn their turns with titanium hips. We want ragers who can air guitar while shredding mad pow on the reg. We want a Warren Miller movie. We want Olympic athletes, but like, stoned.”
The changes will not just affect pass holders, but also the decor and environment of the Dartmouth Skiway. “We’re taking off the safety bars on the lifts and replacing them with ashtrays. People don’t live anymore,” said Clode. “The buses from Dartmouth? They’ll only be blasting the craziest prog rock from Jethro Tull, Salutary Neglect, and Pink Floyd. Skipo won’t take your pass for jumping rope anymore, and they certainly won’t ask about drug use, they’ll just call it ‘sick.’”
Already skiers are noticing the difference. “There’s no more hot chocolate at the lodge,” said Samantha Forcades ’25, referring to the McClane Family ski lodge. “The only things on the menu are menthol cigs, absinthe, and tic tacs.”
Alex Mashovinsky ’23, had a similar observation. “On the chair today, I saw them taking down the ‘slow skiing is safe skiing’ signs and putting up signs that say “ski fast, eat ass.’”
The changes may be controversial, but director Marvin Clode has no intention of slowing down. “You old fogies might not grok our radical vibrations and tubular modes, but this is here to stay. This is us, stickin’ it to the man.”
The reaction of Dartmouth skiers has been less enthusiastic. “Yeah, the disco balls on the snow machines are sick, and the purple spotlights are pretty cool, but they still aren’t upgrading to high speed lifts.”
— J.R. ’25
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