Collis Adds New Inclusive Plant-Based Lunch Special: Marlboro Reds

Amid recent complaints about Collis’ lunch special being exclusive and costly, DDS has introduced a new low-cost, high-impact lunch special: Marlboro Reds. 

DDS Director Jake Wozinski commented on the motivation behind this new menu item. “We were looking for something that was inclusive to dairy allergies, shellfish allergies, gluten allergies, vegans, and vegetarians alike, and to those who are on kosher, keto, and low-carb diets, as well as those who can’t afford new meal prices.” He continued, “It was wildly popular amongst our trial audiences. Once folks tried it, they said they felt like they just wanted more and more, which seems like the hallmark of a great meal to me.”

Students seemed satisfied with the new offering. Rachel Murphy ’25, who was grinding out a butt with her shoe between Collis and Psi U, said “I was really excited about this new lunch special. I finally found something that made eating on campus cool. And now I have this sexy, raspy voice.”

Peter Okowa, ’23, smoking his second pack of the day, said he felt like the new special brought people together. “Now I have something in common with the Res Ops guys who smoke outside of Zete. I really get them, you know?”

When asked about the detrimental health effects of smoking cigarettes, Wozinski said “Actually, we’ve heard just the opposite from students. Many tell us that they’ve lost weight, often significantly, since they’ve started ordering the new Collis special. Compared to the mini chicken tacos we serve at late night, and the burger special, it’s really a no-brainer.”

For now, DDS will only offer the Marlboro Red special at Collis. However, if it continues to prove popular, Wozinski says there are plans to expand. “Camel Crushes at the Hop, Parliaments in Foco, and hey, why not? Nic patches at Novack.”

— JT ’23 & JR ‘25