Dartmouth Coach Driver Hits 891 Students in One Day, Solves Financial Aid Crisis

Local Dartmouth Coach driver Bill Wright put the ol’ “get hit by college vehicle, get free tuition” myth to the test on Tuesday when he struck just under 900 undergraduate students with his bus across 617 independent vehicular incidents.

Many students like Tom McClain ‘24 weren’t quite sure what was going on at first. “After the first couple accidents, I was horrified. People were freaking out, screaming, crying… it was one of the worst, most terrifying sights of my life…. But then people started getting notifications from D-Pay and my friends and I were all like, ‘Yo, this guy’s like the modern Robin Hood.’”

Bystander Jeff Byers ‘25 recounted how the scene developed. “Once people started figuring out it was all a ploy by students to get the college to pay for their tuition, everyone started getting in on the action. My roommate jumped in front of the bus on purpose and broke an arm and both his legs! Now he doesn’t need private loans!”

In a press conference following the event, Wright recounted his thought process. “First I’m just waiting for a lucky coincidence—maybe I side-swipe somebody in front of Collis, back into a kid at the bus stop, they get full tuition, you know the drill… but it was taking too long, so I just say fuck it, if Jesus won’t take the wheel, I guess I will.”

Some students praised Wright for his efficiency. “Look, I was on board from the start,” said Bailey Simmons ‘24. “But I kept thinking to myself, man, there’s no way this guy’s gonna be able to hit enough students to really make a dent in this whole financial aid dilemma. Then he just starts zig-zagging across the Green, and I’m like, ‘Wow, this is a guy who really knows how to get things done.’”

“We initially had concerns about the future health of the endowment… and, of course, the students,” shared Administrative Assistant Rod Newton. “But then we realized we could apply Wright’s strategy to other major issues facing the college, like housing, rising dining prices, and substance abuse. By just hitting them with a bus.”

— B.A. ‘23