National Debate Arises After Chinese Government Giant Balloon Animal Flies Over U.S.

On February 26th, reports began to flood in of a new foreign object in US airspace. President Biden had recently finished dealing with the Chinese spy balloon, which had already caused a minor scare among government officials. The Oval Office was reportedly thrown into panic as they rushed to identify this new object, and were even more confused when the answer presented itself: a giant balloon doggie with a note tied around its neck that said “Sorrrrrry!”

The interpretation from Secretary of State Antony Blinken and the public at large is that this was some sort of apology from China. It seems to be effective, with many senators defending the object as “so cute” and “awww!” Skeptics, though, are still wary of any foreign object in US airspace. Airlines have been forced to redirect flights so as to not hit and pop the massive doggie. Experts speculate that if the deflated balloon animal were to fall to the ground, it could suffocate around six square blocks. White House intern Rob Gordon gave the skeptics credence when he delivered an impromptu Instagram Live wherein he said “It’s a Trojan horse, people! There’s dozens of Chinese fighter jets inside that balloon just waiting for us to fall asleep and then they’ll bust out and take us down!”

Gordon’s tirade has pitted the Biden administration against itself and sent Congress into chaos. The debate between the pro-balloon and anti-balloon crowds rages in the House and Senate for long days at a time. President Biden refuses to give his definitive stance, instead saying, “Look, America, at least we’re talking about it. That’s what I do, I help people reach over the aisle.” Unfortunately, the aisle seems to be widening beyond reach as anti-balloon representatives propose violent popping attempts and the pro-ballooners plan to increase inflation expenditures. Interns in Congress report many instances of confusing policy drafts for inflation with policy drafts for inflation.

Outside of Congressional debates, the military is taking drastic measures to prepare for a potential attack. Insiders report that recruits are forced to wake up at 0400 each morning and intensely study clips of “Bloons Tower Defense.” General Tyler Manfried has spearheaded a military takeover of the US steel industry to focus all their efforts on creating a massive needle. It’s unknown if this was on orders from the Biden administration or if the military has gone completely rogue. When asked about the giant needle on Tuesday, Biden squinted and replied, “Yes, needles! We’re getting the vaccine to as many people as possible! Thank you and goodnight!”

— C.T. ’26