Breaking News: Every Girl On Campus Too Tired To Go Out Tonight

Dartmouth’s campus has recently seen an uptick in cases of fatigue, particularly on the part of girls who happen to know one Boyd Dieter ‘23 of Beta. To Dieter’s concern, a number of his classmates have expressed that they were experiencing debilitating exhaustion, preventing them from going out Friday night. 

“I wonder if there’s something going around, ” said Dieter, speculating on his peers’ unexpected exhaustion. “I just told her to get some rest, and maybe we can talk next weekend.”

Dieter was further bewildered when he logged into Snapchat to see many of those same people seemingly in good health and enjoying the very same events he had invited them to.

“We have tails tonight and I was really hoping at least one of the people I invited would make it.” Dieter says that this isn’t the first time this has happened to him. On multiple occasions, a plurality of his female classmates claimed to be bed-bound for the foreseeable future upon receiving a text message asking what their moves were for that night. 

“For instance, one girl said she was so sick, she went back home to stay at her dad’s house, but I saw her in the Pi Kap basement the same day. Maybe her dad lives there? I never actually asked.” 

Boyd is not the only one whose female friends are experiencing this sudden exhaustion. “It happened to my friend Darren, too. He hasn’t gotten a plus one to tails this whole term. Maybe there’s something in the water.”

Regardless of the cause, this mysterious fatigue continues to plague the young women of this campus. One girl even reported that she will potentially be tired all the way up until next week, “I’ll probably be tired then,” she said, “that’s the day I have class or practice, I think.”

“I just kept texting her to make sure she was alright, but she wouldn’t answer for some reason,” said Dieter, “I knew there must be something wrong, she was answering immediately until I asked that question.” 

Despite the fact that he hasn’t had a date for a while, Dieter appeared to be in good spirits. “I don’t take it personally, you can’t help being sick.” He paused. “The only time it really hurt was when this one girl said she just didn’t feel like going out. I mean, at least make an excuse, right?”

— C.U. ’23