Diary Of A Self-Diagnosed Psycho-Histrionic Narcissist

Dear Diary,

Okay, so I felt so, like, operant conditioned this morning! Just because my alarm clock went off, I’m like, expected to wake up?! That type of thinking is, like, so heuristic, it’s for people with small brains. Not me! I’ve taken Psych 1, I know better! My Big Five and my hierarchy of needs are totally maxed out, and I’m ready to receive stimuli!

At least, that’s what I thought. But I’ve started to analyze my own psychology lately, and it’s troubling! I used to just take Buzzfeed quizzes, but now I can identify all these problems in myself! Like, I tell my mom that my engineering class starts at 10, but it actually starts at 10:10! That’s, like, pathological, right? And pathological lying is one of the signs of psychopathy!

That’s just the start of it, though. The longer I think about my own mind (which is called metacognition, by the way), the more disorders I can identify! I haven’t gotten the time to read the actual DSM-5 yet, but we got little snippets of it in Psych 1, and I read those! Or, well, I read enough to pass the class. See! I’m lying again, I’m so psycho. 

Not to mention it turns out I’m a total narcissist. I, like, write my name at the top of every paper I turn in. Like, everything just has to be about me all the time, I guess. God, my brain is so sick and twisted, it’s crazy. I’m feeling so Freudian lmao! 

Pretty sure I have a bunch of personality disorders, too. I thought I was just quirky, but maybe I’m craaaazy. I was telling Heather about it and she told me that maybe I should go see a doctor if I’m thinking all this stuff, but obviously I can’t do that because I also suffer from paranoia! It’s really hard for me!

Sadly, I kinda didn’t do so well on the treatments unit, so I don’t know what drugs I should be taking! I think, like, lithium is supposed to be good, right? And that’s in batteries, so I can get that easy! Oo, there’s deep brain stimulation too! My masseuse does, like, deep tissue, and that kinda sounds like the same thing! 

Or maybe I can develop a whole new form of treatment with my expert knowledge! I’ve actually found that Whiteclaws have been, like, such an effective treatment for me! I’m still gathering data, but they alleviate so many of my symptoms!It’s a shame I’m not delusional at all, I thought that was, like, the coolest disorder we learned about. Would have been so mental to have that one.

— C.T. ’26