DSG Announces New Campus Bowling Alley: Open Whenever You Can’t Go

Dear students, 

After an intense back and forth with administration that resulted in three casualties, one child up for adoption, two divorces, and a transfer to Princeton University, Dartmouth Student Government has finally reached a resolution with the College for a riveting new development. 

We are excited to announce that Dartmouth will be building a bowling alley for students! Unfortunately, in order to accommodate the operation of the bowling alley in addition to the school itself, the alley will only be open at certain times, specifically when you cannot go. The actual hours of operation are up in the air and change on a day to day basis, so as to avoid potential student interaction. Are you looking forward to bowling all week? Well, this bowling alley will only be open during your 10a. Ditching your 10a to try and bowl? Oh look! It’s closed.

Though you will never actually be able to go, it is still epic. Trust us. 

_{In order to obtain this bowling alley, the Dartmouth Administration has asked us to relinquish the following: Eduroam wifi, Dartmouth Public wifi, Collis special, Greenprint, Green Key, McLaughlin dorms, access to the library on a Sunday afternoon, First Year Trips free T-shirts, the ability to NRO a class, the ability to pass a class, ability to take a class, Dartmouth Student Wellfleet Health Insurance, and finally the free condoms that your UGA accidentally pokes a hole in when they pin them to the bulletin board.} 

Warmly, 

Dartmouth Student Government

— M.F. ’25