Hey You! No, Not You. That Guy Over There

Hey, YOU!  I want YOU for the U. S. Army.

No, not you.  That guy over there.

No, man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t pointing to you the first time.  I was pointing to that guy.  You see the guy over there, sorta behind you?  At eight-o-clock.  No, you’re going the wrong way, I meant counterclockwise.  Just follow my finger, it isn’t that hard.  Yes, that guy!  With the muscles and the baseball hat and the MUSCLES?!  That’s the guy we want in the U. S. Army.  Have a good day, though, sorry to have bothered you.

Hey, YOU!  I want YO—

Dude, what?  I already told you I don’t want you.  We’re looking for guys who can really fight, not guys who are featured in Asthmatics Monthly.  You seem pretty scrawny; what are you, like five eight?  Whoa, whoa, okay, jeez, you don’t have to get violent, I was only off by an inch.  And if this is what you call punching, you’re not helping your case.

That’s what I thought, hotshot.  Now, put away those cute little fists, and let the big boys get on with their job, huh?

Ahem.

Hey, Y—

Bro.  I’m serious.  I appreciate your enthusiasm, but it’s just not going to work out.

Oh, damn, really?  She said the exact same thing?  Oof, dude, I’m sorry, divorce is brutal.  Listen, I get it.  You’re going through a tough time, you’re having some sort of crisis and want to prove your manliness, it happens to the best of us.  But can’t you do that, I don’t know, with an epic patriotic Tweet instead?  I just… I like you, man.  You seem nice.  I don’t want you to get hurt out there.

Alright, buddy.  I’m glad we met.  Glad I could talk you down from that cliff.  Have a nice night, okay?  Nothing too crazy.

Hey, YOU!  I want—

Hey, wait a second, dude, you older than eighteen?  Have you registered for the draft yet?

Good, good, awesome.  Just in case, you know, for the country, we need every guy we can get.

— HB ’26