Phil Hanlon Announces “Retirement” Was A Ruse to Reveal The Disloyal

On Sunday, the Dartmouth community gathered on the green to pay tribute to retiring President Hanlon. After a short introduction, Hanlon himself was scheduled to give a short speech. Laughing as he stepped forward to a podium in front of McNutt Hall, Dartmouth President Philip Hanlon ‘77 revealed, instead, that his planned retirement in 2023 was entirely staged. 

“I hope I’m not disappointing anyone,” chuckled the ex-mathematics professor, “but I’ll be sticking around for a bit longer. Yes, a little bit longer, unlike some of you.” 

“I knew there were some traitors among the faculty,” explained Hanlon, flanked by former (and now again) Dean Lively and two burly Deputy Provosts, to a stunned crowd of Dartmouth faculty and trustees. “But I couldn’t quite tell who. So I said to myself ‘Phil, let’s let them do the work for you. Let’s have the cowardly snakes root themselves out.’ After I announced my ‘retirement,’ I made note of who seemed a little too quick on the draw in congratulating me. I made a list.” Hanlon produced for the crowd a handwritten list on a yellow legal pad, and put his glasses on to read from it. 

The 67-year old rubbed his hands together gleefully as he watched the audience squirm. “Professor Gellhorn, Classics? You wished me all the best in my retirement, eh? I’m wishing you all the best on your next tenure application,” gloated Hanlon. “Professor Greene, in philosophy? Here’s my philosophy- don’t bite the hand that feeds you, you little weasel. And Vice-Director Won, from the admissions department? Thank you so much for your card. I’ve got a card for you, too!” 

The card was too obscene to print. 

Reached for comment, government professor Joanne Stroud noted that Hanlon’s honeypot scheme had historical precedent. “In the first few years after his ascension to power, Anwar Sadat, in Egypt, liberalized the nation before purging the opposition after the Camp David Accords. Not that I would compare Phil Hanlon to Sadat. Don’t tell him that, please. Please. I have a family. I love you President Hanlon! I’ve always supported your presidency!” 

The reign of terror was confirmed to extend to hostile students, as well. Notable critics in the Student Assembly were wrestled to the ground in the Green by lone-pine-emblazoned SNS officers over the course of the day, while the editorial board of the D is believed to be presently locked in the McNutt basement, on bread and water. 

President-elect Beilock was unavailable for comment, and her whereabouts are presently unknown. 

— JR ’25