Inside the Life of Dartmouth’s Worst Person

8 AM: Wake up early to go loudly mow the lawn outside of everyone’s window.

8:15 AM: Drop my kids off at school.

8:30 AM: Turn off the stove in Foco to make sure all the eggs are cold. Touch everything with my sticky hands. 

8:45 AM: Clog a toilet. Make sure it is very stinky.

9 AM: Turn on a giant fan near the green to create dust storms.

9:30 AM: Schedule a last-minute X-hour.

10:14 AM: Hit a small child with an electric scooter. Do not apologize.

11:22 AM: Begin grading assignments now that it’s week 9.

12 PM: Take a shower in a dorm bathroom and leave a lot of tiny hairs everywhere.

12:15 PM: Eat every single plate of Collis lunch special until they run out.

1 PM: Stand by the counter at Novack and loudly announce everyone’s DBA balance. (“Wow! Negative 30? Embarrassing!”)

2:09 PM: Send Canvas announcement that the last assignment was optional one minute before class.

2:30 PM: Turn on the Green sprinklers when everyone has their computers out to study.

3 PM: Send an email for a campus group that says ‘This is a flitz’ because I’m so funny and original like that.

3:46 PM: Finally let my class that was supposed to end at 3:15 out.
4 PM: Clog another toilet. The personal one in your dorm. Somehow make more stinky than the last one.

4:30 PM: Office hours. Stare at students judgmentally every time they ask a question. Make sure to respond in a way that only makes them more confused.

5 PM: Sit directly next to a stranger at an empty table on FFB. Take all the laptop chargers from the circulation desk.

5:15 PM: Log everyone out of Canvas right as their phones die so they can’t use Duo Push.

5:30 PM: Make it rain when everyone’s out on the Green.

6 PM: Drive fast around Occom while everyone is on their Woccoms. Get out and push them into the pond after a few laps.

6:01 PM: Vehicular manslaughter.

7 PM: Dinner at Foco. Make sure to mix up the serving utensils, sit in a round booth alone, stick the different kinds of cups together, and spread sticky grains of rice all over the tables.

7:30 PM: Just slap someone. First person I see, slap ‘em.

8:30 PM: Chew potato chips just a little too loud on 4FB.

9:27 PM: Send messages in a large GroupMe asking if anyone needs an essay written or wants to sublet an apartment over the summer.

11 PM: Lure away the brothers working door so everyone stays out in the cold.

11:15 PM: Pull the fire alarm at the frat, just as you’re starting to hit it off with that kid from your Gov class.

11:30 PM: Call SNS on people playing music at a medium volume before quiet hours.

1 AM:  Return the grades for 8 assignments at once and watch students’ faces through their bedroom windows.

1:30 AM: Loudly have sex in the room next to everyone.

1:32 AM: Go to bed smiling after a productive day.

— BM ’26 & CT ’26